I said it

I like how you make me feel
Safe, heard, appreciated, wanted
I don’t have to be anyone else but myself with you

I like how you encourage my gifts, applaud my every milestone and yet you’re kind when I’m weak

I like how you keep your word, every single time
I know that you mean what you say and say what you mean

I like how it’s been easy to respect you. I know you are human but you always make an effort to do better every single day.
You apologize when you’re wrong and you don’t throw tantrums when you’re called out.

I like how you listen; you’re open to new ideas and you’re always willing to try out different things. You are a joy to behold when your eyes light up.

I like everything about you. I like you quiet, I like you loud. I like you in every season and every day.
I like you; there, I’ve said it.

Disappointment

When the bough breaks

The safety, the mirage, the facade clears

We thought we had more time

Time to adjust, time to make new plans

That sinking feeling that keeps getting deeper

Prayers aren’t helping or maybe patience isn’t available

The deep pain, the horrible deep pain

Hoping that tears can wash away the dust

Maybe someday, this wound will heal

Maybe someday, we’ll laugh from the depths of hearts

Maybe tomorrow, maybe, just maybe.

Unwana Nta

28/02/2023

Promises

I’m not mad that you barely keep your promises

I’d be silly if I had held my breath waiting

I see how hard you work and I see how tired you get

I acknowledge that you’re a very busy man

Busy with work, work and more work

Some work is official, some come with red lipstick and false lashes; some don’t wear earrings and have no visible curves

I could never be mad at you…

The rubber will be torn while I wait on you, the wounding will commence and the taunting will happen at my expense

I’m mad at myself; for whilst I knew you’d never keep your promises, I’d hoped you’d disappoint me this once

Keep making promises, at least you’re predictable

Unwana Nta

24/10/2022

Dear Don,

I love how different we are.
I love that I can experience a glimpse of your background every time we meet.
I love how exaggerated your Rs are when you speak.
I love that what you call akpu is what I call fufu.
I love that we might have similar ingredients but our food will always be different.
I love watching you smile, laugh, eat, drive, breathe.
I love who you’re meant to be; a proud man whose paid his dues and is trying his best.

I hate how you’ve let the world convince you that you’re not enough.
I hate how you’ve had to endure pain so much that you hurt those that actually love you.
I hate that you must be intoxicated or inebriated to be able to have fun these days.
I hate that you refuse to acknowledge your faults and think that ignoring them will make them disappear.
I hate how you’re doing things you know are very wrong.
I hate that your love is for sale and the one with your secrets will always win.
I hate that I’ve had to mourn the one I loved and all that’s left is you.

Unwana Nta

Memo to me

Stay away from negative thoughts, people, situations Just stay away.

Sometimes I am the negative people:
Doubting my abilities, Shying away from my greatness, Not allowing my growth to take place, Running away from the light, Hiding from the spotlight, Standing in the shadows.

Stay away from yourself when you are negative Walk away from your own negativity
Draw yourself closer to the light, To people who are lit. Trust in God and do more than your best Push yourself, don’t take it easy.
Tell your negative thoughts to shut it and if they refuse to listen, cut them off.

Understand that your talents, abilities, intelligence are unique.
Tell yourself the truth, God does not make mistakes. You are wonderfully and fearfully made and you are important
I am amazing.

Unwana Nta
19/01/16

Rest

I have so many words
So many things inside of me.
Truths I want to let out,
Lies I want to set straight.
I’ve lived a life
It’s been good, bad and ugly.
Done things I’m not proud of and done things that are praiseworthy
I’ve made a lot of friends and lost a lot of fiends.
Been exposed first hand to deception and yet seen selflessness at its best.
My family is my bedrock
Yes, they annoy me but whose family doesn’t?
I honestly wouldn’t trade them for silver or gold.
My journey is still continuing by God’s Grace.
I have a lot of things to accomplish, places to visit and babies to make.
As I get older, my prayer is not that God blesses me but that I be able to bless people that I meet.
I pray that I give what I need to give
And I pray that I grow in wisdom and favour with God and man.

Unwana Nta
20/7/14

Who you be?

Who you be?
Watching you from afar not as far as you’d hope
You put your arms around her and tell her she’s hot
I cringe at the sight of you softly kissing her, wanting her, flaunting her
You hold her hand to your chest and gaze into her eyes,
I feel my world spinning but I can’t take my eyes off you both
The waiter comes with the champagne you ordered: cold, just like your heart
I’m stuck here wondering ‘who you be?’
You look like my lover, the one who has to ”hang with the boys this evening”
You smile like my lover, the one who said ‘trust me baby, I’d never betray you’
You speak like him too; softly, sensually, warmly, strongly… ridiculous!
who you be?
She has her left hand on your face, she leans in for a kiss
You smile at her, your cute dimples showing… this isn’t right, you’re supposed to be mine!

I pick my phone up and dial my lover’s number

Surely you can’t be him, I pray you aren’t him
I watch you pick your phone up and ignore the call

This has gone on too for too long
Who you be?

Who the heck you be?
I call again. You ignore again You are him after all
”Waiter, get me the bill please” I hear you say. It’s time to act, this has to end.

UNWANA NTA
19/01/16

Realisation

Sometimes I let my mind wander
I allow myself to be enveloped by the way you speak
I know that they are fibs but I must see the end of this story
I want to remember you for being truthful
I want to end this with us laughing
Plans change
I wake up
I have woken up
You lied

Re-education

I’m learning to unlearn all the bad habits I picked up over the years. I’m learning to be okay with being alone after thinking I needed to be completed by someone else.
I’m learning to face my fears, to admit my mistakes, to forgive my past.
I’m learning to forgive myself for not trusting that everything will be alright.
I’m learning that life is unpredictable but I’m always going to be fine.
I’m learning to love the new bits of me I discover daily.
I’m learning that the absence of friends just creates more room for self-discovery.
I’m learning that if you’re not included, you’re not needed.
I’m learning to write down my dreams.
I’m learning to try.
I’m learning to be grateful for family.
I’m learning to not make any more idols.
I’m learning to listen better to what’s unsaid.
I’m learning to cook Korean food.
I’m learning that love isn’t selfish and waiting for the right one isn’t so bad afterall.

Unwana Nta

Limited

Could have sworn that I didn’t know the answers to the quiz
Number seven was way too hard for me I believed
Reached out to the genius, the one I knew was smarter than me
Confused me more than when I started three hours ago
I felt defeated, I even tweeted about it

How could 0.45 points do this to me?
I wanted to sleep, to eat, to watch TV, to forget
I opened the book, the same one I’d read twelve times already
Read between the lines and got tired
I tried one more time; the second and last time
I nailed it, a perfect score in five minutes

I need to sleep now but I’m not sleepy no more.

Unwana Nta